Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
