when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
