I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
