My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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