Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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