i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
