i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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