so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
