he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
