Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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