Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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