My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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