Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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