Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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