I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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