I'm lost and stupid without you.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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