OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
