Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I cockslap morals
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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