Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
