I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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