I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
