Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
