Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
What a dumb baby whore.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
