I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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