plz talk dirty to me
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
