how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
