my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
