Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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