When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize
