Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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