I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
