Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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