That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Why is your signature on my underwear?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
