Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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