I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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