$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
