I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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