will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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