didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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