We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
