I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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