I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
