I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
