Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
