A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Boobs are out for the taking
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
