i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
