You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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