So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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