just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
