i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
