I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
The ass gains better be worth it
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